The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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