I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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