I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
