keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
