is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
