I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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