I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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