OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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