At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
