I showed him my bush... on skype.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
