Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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