if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
