The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Randomize
