the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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