He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
