Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
