10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Operation Purity has been aborted
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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