The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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