Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
