Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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