dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
