what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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