The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
