I heard we made out
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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