Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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