I'm going to jail i love you
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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