Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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