I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
