i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
