I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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