TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
