i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
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If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize