Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
