I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
