Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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