mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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