piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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