Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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