I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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