OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
