You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
This is my gift to your gina
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
