I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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