but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
