dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
