Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
