Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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