you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
