Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
