The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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