Who wears a wallet chain?!
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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