I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
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You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
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I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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