I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
