I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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