who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize